living in fear
by drizzley
Summary: when tragedy strikes, it can change whoever is facing it. it can change them into someone entirely new. it may change them in good ways, or bad ways, if you're living in grief, fear, and guilt.


_"Only be afraid of fear itself."_

* * *

"Lilykit!" Featherkit squeaked, padding up to her sister, who had just woken from her nap. "Lilykit, let's play!"

Featherkit blinked at her. "Oh, sure."

Lilykit looked to the nursery exit for a second, but the looked away. _I can't go outside_ , she thought. _Specklefur wouldn't want me to, she's said before that we're not old enough, and that she doesn't want us causing any trouble._

"What do you want to play?" Featherkit asked, flicking her tail. "I'll play whatever you want.

Lilykit couldn't help but glance at the nursery exit once more. What was camp like? Soon words came out of her mouth before she could stop them.

"Featherkit, have you ever wondered what camp was like?" she blurted out.

Featherkit's eyes widened as if she was surprised by the question, but she soon answered. "Sometimes I do- Larkpaw says that his first out of camp was great! He said that the elders told him a story, I kind of want to hear a story too," Featherkit responded.

Lilykit imagined being able to be in the elders' den, and being able to get her own prey. _Surely just a little while in camp couldn't hurt? If anyone asked we could just tell them that Specklefur said we could go, after all, we're almost four moons old now!_

"What if we did go?" Lilykit whispered. "What if we did get to hear a story, and see camp for ourselves?"

"But Specklefur isn't even awake!" Featherkit gasped.

"Exactly. That's good," Lilykit murmured, "if she was awake, then we wouldn't get to go. You know that Specklefur won't let us go outside- you know we won't cause any trouble, Featherkit! We're not mouse-brained, we'll just stay out of the warriors' way."

Featherkit still looked unsure. "But what if they ask Specklefur if she really let us out? Or what if one of the warriors tell her about something we did? We'll get in trouble!" Featherkit argued.

"So? We'll deal with that later, come on, Featherkit!"

Featherkit shifted her paws. "But…"

Lilykit was getting annoyed, why couldn't her sister just come along? "Fine, don't come. I'll go alone. Just don't tell anyone, okay?" Lilykit was turning around when she heard her sister.

"Wait! No, I'll come!"

Lilykit snorted. "I thought you'd never turn around."

"But, I'm just saying, if- no, when we get caught, what do you think Specklefur will do? I don't want her to be mad at us," Featherkit muttered.

"She won't be, I promise." Lilykit wasn't sure that she could keep that promise, but she needed Featherkit to come, it wouldn't be the same without her sister. Besides, Specklefur wouldn't be angry, right?

"Okay, if you think so," Featherkit agreed.

It happened to be just their luck that Specklefur was the only queen, or they'd definitely have gotten caught when they slipped out of the nursery that day.

Lilykit was only worried that her curiosity was blinding her sense, and that it was just a stupid decision. _I want to go, and I'm going._

* * *

Featherkit had seen the outside before, the times when she and her sister had peaked through the exit, and the times they'd visited the medicine cat den. But everything around her felt so different now that she was on an adventure, and she and Lilykit could go anywhere in the camp!

"Let's go see the fresh-kill pile!" she suggested, excitement boiling up inside her. They could go where they liked- it felt great!

"Sure," Lilykit agreed smoothly, like she didn't mind where they went. _How isn't she excited? After all, she's the one who had to convince me to go out here!_

"Wait, actually, never mind. We've seen prey before, what about the elders' den?" Featherkit looked into Lilykit's eyes, searching for some excitement of any kind.

"Okay."

"Lilykit, do you even care about the fact that we're out here?"

"Of course!"

"Then why do you seem like you don't care?"

"I do!" Lilykit protested. "Just because I'm not jumping all over the place like you doesn't mean I'm not excited!" _Why is she being so defensive?_ Whatever, it wasn't Featherkit's problem if Lilykit didn't care.

"Sure, whatever you say."

Featherkit padded off, determined to find the fresh-kill pile. And soon enough, after only a moment, it was in sight. _There it is_ _,_ she thought. _It doesn't look as...great as I imagined_. In fact, it was just as it's name described it. A pile of fresh-kill. To be fair, what _would_ she expect?

She could hear Lilykit's paw steps moments later, and Featherkit let out a sigh. What else was there to see?

"Where else should we go?" Lilykit asked that second. "Where do _you_ want to go?"

"I don't know," Featherkit murmured. "If we go to the elders' den, we'll for sure be in trouble."

"We'd get in trouble anyway." Lilykit laughed. "Did you really think we'd be able to get across camp without _anyone_ noticing? Warriors have glared at us a few times. I mean, I'm great, but I'm not _that_ great."

Featherkit snorted and cuffed her sister's ear playfully, and Lilykit stood there, a smirk on her face.

"So, where should we go?" Featherkit asked.

"Well, what if we went outside the camp?"

"What!" Featherkit gasped. _Did Lilykit really just say that? She_ couldn't _have!_ "We're only about four moons old, we can't go outside! Specklefur-"

"Come _on_ Featherkit," Lilykit hissed. "Why do you always need to do what everyone tells you to do? Think for yourself!"

"I _am_!" Featherkit snapped. "I don't want to go! You may have convinced me to come out of the nursery when we're not supposed to, but I am not going out of camp, Lilykit! It's dangerous. We're still kits, we shouldn't leave camp until we're apprentices."

"Fine, I'll go myself."

"Yeah, right. And how do you think you'd be able to without anyone seeing you?"

"Just watch me."

Featherkit looked at her sister as she neared the camp exit, as if to run the second no one was paying attention. _She's a fool if she thinks she's going to leave without getting noticed, she though. In fact, I wonder why no one's walked up to her and asked her what she's doing by the camp exit!_ But the hunting and sunhigh patrol had left, leaving not too many cats left at camp, who seemed to be too interested in sleeping or chatting to really pay attention.

Then again, right outside of camp was the camp guards Larkpaw had spoken about, Lilykit would definitely get caught leaving camp. Featherkit looked back to where Lilykit was.

Her eyes widened. _Oh no…_

Lilykit was no longer in the same spot.

Featherkit looked around. _Where is she?_ What about the camp guard, why hasn't she been caught! Featherkit felt like wailing, where was Lilykit? _She couldn't have left! She left all alone, what if she gets hurt?_

Before Featherkit could realize what she was doing, she was running. When she payed attention to what was around her, she found herself in a place with trees- many trees. _I think Larkpaw once told me about how we live in a forest, but I never imagined it to be like...this._

A breeze passed by, and Featherkit felt a sudden longing for the nursery- for her mother. _No! I need to find Lilykit, I have to._ Featherkit continued padding through the grass, holding onto a faint scent that sort of smelled like her sister. She wasn't the best tracker, but she was holding onto hope that it was her sister's scent.

She continued to follow the scent, her confidence building as it became stronger, and stronger. _I must be following her scent, thank StarClan!_

But, as she followed her sister's scent, a brand new scent appeared. A stronger scent- one that made her feel uneasy. It smelled, well, awful. _What could that be?_

It got stronger and stronger, until Lilykit's scent was blocked out completely. Featherkit ran, hoping that her sister was somewhere, fear building up inside her. Soon- she saw a new sight. A dark, black path.

But she didn't care about that. There was something that mattered to her far more than the new path in front of her.

It was Lilykit. Lilykit, and lots and lots of blood.

* * *

"Featherpaw, come on, it's time to train!" Rosepaw's meow echoed through the den, awaking Featherpaw. "We don't have all day, bee-brain!"

Featherpaw pressed her paws against her nest, and forced herself up. "No need to be like that," she muttered. Rosepaw was very...energetic, to say the least, and didn't like it when she had to wait. She basically had no patience.

"So come _on_!"

Featherpaw winced as memories flooded through her of a certain someone who use to say that- exactly the way Rosepaw had done. _Remember what Froststar told you_ , she told herself. _If I cling on to the past, then I won't have a future. I have to accept what StarClan wants, and move on._

"I'm coming," Featherpaw muttered. She had been made an apprentice a few sunrises ago, and she didn't like it. Yes, it sounded insane for a newly made apprentice to not feel total excitement, but she didn't. The past shook her, and changed her. She remembered when she looked forward to hearing Larkpaw- now Larkfeather- tell her stories of his apprenticeship. _I've changed so much since then._

Now, whenever Larkfeather asked if she wanted to hear a story about something she used to find interesting, she always found an excuse not to. It's not that she didn't like Larkfeather- she just didn't want to hear them.

She used to be so bubbly all the time, so happy. Now she felt like she was hiding her emotions from everyone she knew, nobody knew what she was feeling inside.

No matter what she did, Featherpaw could never get over how it had all been her fault. No matter what she did to convince herself otherwise, Featherpaw knew that Lilykit's death had been her fault. She knew it. If she had come along with Lilykit, maybe she could've talked her out of crossing the Thunderpath. Or even better, someone could've caught Featherpaw while she was running, and they wouldn't have left camp at all.

Nothing in the forest could make Featherpaw feel less guilty about her sister's death, and that was all there really was to it. It was strange. Featherpaw knew that things could've ended up worse as well if she had gone with Lilykit, but she still blamed herself fully. Then again, what could Featherpaw had done? Lilykit made the decisions, Featherpaw would always just tag along, never really helping.

"Hollyshine and Gingertail want us to start learning some hunting moves," Rosepaw explained. "I think they went to go get some new moss for their bedding, they should be back soon."

"Wait, so, I didn't need to wake up right now?" Featherpaw hissed.

"Well, Hollyshine would be happier if her apprentice was ready to go when she came back, wouldn't she?" Rosepaw snapped.

"But if they're off to get bedding, then while they were remaking their nests you could've woken me up!" Featherpaw argued.

"Whatever," Rosepaw muttered. "What's your problem, anyway? Why are you always so upset about waking up, are your dreams that amazing?"

Featherpaw sighed. _No, my dreams are just like everyone else's. It's not that being asleep is great, it's that being awake is worse._ Featherpaw felt alone, she knew that there were cats who cared for her, but nobody understood her. It was all so confusing. She didn't want anybody to talk to her about anything, but she didn't want to be left alone either. _I don't even understand myself, how can I expect others to?_

"We're back." Featherpaw looked up to her mentor, Hollyshine, looking at her. "Gingertail decided to make my nest for me so I could take you two out, he'll join us when he's done."

"Where are we going?" Rosepaw asked.

"We'll be going through the territory near camp," Hollyshine mewed as they left camp, flicking her tail towards the trees and undergrowth that were not far. "We'll be hunting, catch whatever you think you can." Then Hollyshine turned to Featherpaw. "Featherpaw?"

"Yes?" Featherpaw asked.

"Remember the stalking technique I taught you."

Featherpaw nodded. "I will," she promised.

* * *

Featherpaw, Rosepaw, Hollyshine, and Gingertail returned to camp. Rosepaw was carrying a squirrel in her jaws that she had caught herself. _And I caught nothing…_

"You did well, you almost caught that mouse," Hollyshine praised.

"Almost," she muttered. _I'll never be a warrior. It's obvious._

"Go ahead and put the squirrel in the fresh-kill pile," Gingertail told his apprentice. _Rosepaw has been an apprentice for just as long as me, and she's already catching prey on her first try. If she can be so great...then what am I?_

* * *

"We're going to the Moonpool today, we'll be warriors tomorrow!" Rosepaw said excitedly as Featherpaw was laying on her nest. _Will I..? Hollyshine will probably hold me back- I've been doing awful. I wouldn't be surprised._

Featherpaw had changed even more since her early apprenticeship. Now it wasn't only guilt that had a strong grasp of her, but fear. She lived most of he days in fear, and it was holding her back from doing the best she could. It was holding her back from everything she could be, but she didn't know how she could stop it. _Because I can't stop it_ , she thought to herself. _I'm weak, and I can't stop it. I just can't._

Featherpaw remembered when she was just a young kit, and little kit with big dreams. How had she turned into... _this? I don't care anymore, what's the point? I'm scared, like always. How can I stop it? I'm scared my ceremony won't happen, I'm scared that everyone will hate me, I'm scared that-_ That's when Featherpaw realized, that to get to the Moonpool, she'd have to cross the Thunderpath. _Oh no._

Well, wasn't life just perfect? Living in fear, grief, and guilt? Crossing the path that her sister had died on? Just _perfect_. Featherpaw was a bitter, fearful, cowardly freak that couldn't let go of the past. And that was all she'd ever be.

* * *

"Are we ready?" Hollyshine asked as they were finishing up their traveling herbs. _Yuck! These taste gross!_ But Featherpaw didn't dare complain, she knew better. Out of all the horrible things she was on the inside, she could at least _act_ mature.

"Yes," Featherpaw murmured.

"Yeah!" Rosepaw said with excitement.

"Let's go." Gingertail flicked his tail for them to follow as he started walking.

 _Time to become a warrior, I knew this would happen some day._

The thing was, Featherpaw had never crossed the Thunderpath before. She had always found a way out of it, and there had never been a scenario where she needed to cross it. So this would be the first day that she would cross the path where her sister had died. Simply wonderful. _I just need to cross it, what's so hard, anyway? It's been eight moons since Lilykit died, why haven't I let go of it by now? It's time to stop thinking in the past,_ she told herself. _Otherwise I'm bound to relive it._

Featherpaw had been thinking so hard while she was padding, that she didn't notice the stench that was there until the Thunderpath was in sight. _Oh no…_

"We'll go two at a time, when I say go, run," Hollyshine told them. "Gingertail and Rosepaw, you two cross first."

Gingertail nodded, and motioned his head toward Rosepaw for her to come. Rosepaw padded up to the edge of the Thunderpath, and waited for Hollyshine to speak. Soon a monster passed through, and Hollyshine shouted:

"Go!"

Gingertail and Rosepaw darted across the Thunderpath, and were across at the blink of an eye. Featherpaw felt like dying when Hollyshine looked at her.

"We're up next," Hollyshine told her. _I can do this. I can…_

"Go!" Hollyshine called. Featherpaw began sprinting without even thinking. The smell was so strong. _Like when...Lilykit..._ Featherpaw froze in the middle of the Thunderpath. _I can't do it! I said I could, but I can't!_ Featherpaw ducked her head down, she couldn't do it.

"Featherpaw!" She could hear Rosepaw. "Featherpaw, a monster is coming! I can hear it!"

Featherpaw didn't move. _It's my fault that Lilykit is dead, so I deserve this. I deserve to die the way she did. Maybe in StarClan I can finally feel more that guilt, grief, and fear. Maybe I won't be as pathetic as I am now. It's a nice thought._

Featherpaw soon could feel the ground rumble, the monster must've been really near. She was ready to feel it strike her, when someone picked her up by the scruff. Soon she was safely on the grassy ground, and she turned around to see Hollyshine panting.

" _What_ were you thinking!" Hollyshine snapped. "Both of us could've died!"

"Sorry," Featherpaw muttered.

"Featherpaw." Hollyshine was speaking quietly. "Why didn't you move?"

"I didn't want to move," Featherpaw confessed. "I didn't want to go on anymore, I just didn't."

"Why?" Now it was Rosepaw who spoke.

"I-I…" How would she explain this to them? How would she explain how she woke up everyday to pain and grief? How would she explain how after eight moons, she still hadn't moved on from her sister's death? They wouldn't understand anyway.

"Do you think that StarClan will accept me?" she whispered. "Do you think they'll let me be a warrior, even though I've done an awful job?"

"Of course they will!" Hollyshine reassured her. "You haven't done an awful job, you've been wonderful, Featherpaw. Don't ever doubt yourself."

"But...I…"

"Featherpaw," Rosepaw whispered. "I think of you like a sibling, I've always looked up to you. You've been great! I honestly want to be like you."

 _Like me? Why would anyone in the forest ever want to be like me?_ Featherpaw had never seen Rosepaw as the type to say something sweet like that, but everybody had a hidden side. StarClan, she'd been living in one! She smiled at Rosepaw.

"Thank you."

"You've been an interesting apprentice from the very start." Gingertail cracked a smile. "You're not perfect, but who is? You'll do just fine. I don't see why StarClan would have something against you."

Featherpaw smiled. "I'll do my best."

* * *

Featherpaw wasn't sure at first when they first reached the Moonpool, she wasn't sure that she really wanted to speak with StarClan. The stars reflected off the rippling pool, and Featherpaw could clearly see her reflection as she stared into the pool. Her gray fur looked like it had stars in it with the stars in the sky.

"Rest now," Gingertail murmured. "Sleep peacefully with the stars." _With the stars, with my sister…_

Featherpaw lay beside the pool, closing her eyes. Soon she fell into a dark world, she could see nothing at all. Soon, one by one, stars appeared, lighting everything. She could soon see clearly. Featherpaw looked around, amazed by the sight. _This must be StarClan. I'm here._

"Featherpaw."

Featherpaw whipped around, and gasped at the cat she saw. There was her sister, standing there, a grin on her face.

"Lilykit…?"

"Who else?" Lilykit laughed. "Hey, you made it farther than I did. I'm proud of you."

"I'm sorry," Featherpaw whispered.

"About what? It was me who was foolish enough to cross the Thunderpath, I don't see what you have to be sorry for. For all we know, I could've dragged you along and we could both be dead right now."

"I-I'm a failure, Lilykit. I'm scared of the Thunderpath, I'm scared of everything! My emotions, they keep me from doing everything I can," she confessed.

"It's not what you fear that's holding you back," Lilykit murmured. "It's the fact that you do fear. Featherpaw, you have nothing to fear. You'll make a great warrior, I know it."

"Really?" Featherpaw whispered.

"Really," Lilykit responded. "You'll make a great warrior. And I'm proud to call you my sister, and I always will be. I may not be alive, but that doesn't mean that you don't have a friend in me."

* * *

 **This was a challenge for the Writing Contest at the forum SoulClan, Where Lost Souls Were Found. I aplogize if this is rushed, if some parts don't make much sense, or if I made any errors, I was rushing to get this finished. I was lucky enough that an extension was given, otherwise I would end up submitting an incomplete entry.**

 **This didn't portray the prompt the way that I originally planned it to (like I said, I rushed to do half of this), but I'm not disappointed with the way this turned out. But I definitely could've done a better job than than this rushed thing, and hopefully I will next time~**


End file.
